Always Identical, Never The Same ♥

It's been awhile...

2008-10-27T18:49:00.001-07:00

Lately I haven’t felt like doing anything… that’s why I haven’t written on here in weeks. All I want to do is sleep, I know it’s not healthy at all. I’m forcing myself to get up and do small things everyday. Sometimes it feels as if I’m just here … not living. I see so many people living and having fun, and I want to be doing the same. My anxiety is trapping me in my own body, I want it to stop. I actually went out with a few friends the other night and had a good time. I had several small attacks, but nothing major. I need to realise that the anxiety is in my head and I’m not going to die. I’ve been working in an anxiety and depression workbook that I have mentioned in another blog. It seems to be working at the moment, it’s making me realise even more that I’m not alone.

On a lighter note, one of my favorite days is soon approaching… HALLOWEEN! I didn’t want to go out because of my illness, but I feel I need to. I’m going to be hanging out with friends and a few family members. I’m not sure if I’ll be okay … but I need to try and have fun. I can always go home if things get bad. I’m not sure if I’m going to drink, I’m not sure if I can handle it.

I hope everyone has a great Halloween, along with myself! I'm going to be dressing up as a vampire hehe! Is anyone else going out? What about dressing up?

Google Search!

2008-10-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed a lot of my blogger friends tagging each other in a fun little game. I wanted to participate, so I thought I would give it a shot. I’m not following the rules fully since I wasn’t tagged, also I’m not going to be tagging anyone else. Please feel free to play along, it was a lot of fun! The Photo Game

RULES:

A) Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation.
B) Tag 5 other people to do the same once you’ve finished answering every question.

QUESTIONS:

1. Age you’ll be on your next birthday

2. A place you want to travel to

3. Your favorite place

4. Your favorite food

5. Your favorite pet

6. Your favorite color combination

7. Your favorite piece of clothing

8. Your favorite TV show

9. First name of your Significant Other

10. The town in which you live

11. Your first job

12. Your dream job

13. A bad habit you have

14. Your worst fear
.

15 What you’d like to do before you die

Personality Disorder Test

2008-10-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

While I was on one of my blogger friends site http://whymincewords.blogspot.com/ I noticed a personality test was posted. I became very curious and wondered what my results to the test may be. Thanks for posting your test results Immi, it was an interesting test to take. I'm not sure how accurate my results are, but they aren't too bad.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Mommy My Hero ♥

2008-10-09T23:26:00.000-07:00

I was having a great day, actually my whole week has been great. I’ve barely had any anxiety attacks, and my depression was staying under control. When I went shopping today with my mother I had a melt down in the grocery store we were at. Thank goodness she was there to be by my side. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. She’s such a caring, strong willed and loving person. I truly am lucky to have her as my mother. Don’t get me wrong our relationship isn’t always wonderful. We often fight like sisters, but I know when to draw the line… most times that is lol! Growing up it was mostly just her and I, we’ve been through a lot which has brought us close together. I can proudly say she’s my best friend! I tell her more than I tell anyone, and if I keep something from her I feel guilty. I can’t think of one thing I’ve never told her haha! A lot of my friends envy my relationship with my mother, but sometimes being too close can have its ups and downs. I wouldn’t change our relationship for the world, but sometimes having a mom as a best friend can be hard! Especially when they are trying to be a parent!

I'm not sure what set off my anxiety attack today... Mom and I were having a great time shopping and talking, then all of a sudden I started to panic. My mouth started to get dry and it fellt like there were millions of tiny cotton balls in my mouth. I ran to the bathroom to drink out of the tap, but it didn't help. My throat felt like it was closing, my heart was pounding and I couldn't think straight. My whole state of mind was jumbled, I felt like I was in a dream land... I would even pinch my skin to see if I was alive or dreaming. I started crying and panicking... Nothing felt real. I felt as if I was sleeping and couldn't wake up. My mom helped me out of the store and calmed me down. It took awhile before I was completely out of my attack, but at least it didn't last as long as usual. I don't know what I would have done if my mom wasn't there tonight. She understands all about my disorder since she suffers from it too, so she can easily relate.

I'm so nervous to go out again... I feel like my attacks will come on stronger and I won't be able to control it. I fear that I will freak out and everyone will see me, I want to stay home and hide and never leave. Sleeping all the time actually sounds really comforting... Too bad I couldn't just sleep this disorder away. Wouldn't that be nice??

I just want to send out a BIG thank you to my super hero awesome mom! She has always been there for me and I can't thank her enough. She truley is an angel, at least in my eyes she is. If it wasn't for her, I would be even more nutty than I am! Let's just say, I'm a little too nutty as it is!

Dummies

2008-10-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

Today I bought a book that will hopefully help me improve the way I feel. Keeping this blog is a great way to let my feelings and frustrations out… but I felt I needed something a bit more. I bought “Anxiety & Depression Workbook For Dummies” haha! I haven’t read it yet, but I skimmed through a few pages and it’s really interesting. It explains all about anxiety, depression and helps you deal. There are also work sheets to fill out and lots of great information to read. I’m going to start reading it tomorrow, I’ll let you all know how it is. Maybe some of you have already read it? If so, I would love some input about the book. It was a great price, and I couldn’t leave it sitting on the shelf... It was calling my name !

I’ve been wanting to blog over the past week, but I just didn’t have the concentration or patience. Everytime I would start a new blog, my mind would start racing and take off on me. I can count at least 5 times I tried to sit down and post a blog. Thankfully I have the ability to concentrate and make one now.

I will write more later when I’m not so tired. I haven’t been sleeping properly at all… I stay up all night and want to sleep all day… but I’ll leave that for another blog lol!

*Hugs*

Walking off the pounds!

2008-09-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

Things within the past week have been going pretty good for me. I've been feeling better, haven't had as many attacks as usual and I'm starting to exercise. I've heard from a lot of people, even my doctor that exercise helps anxiety. It will also help my depression too since my weight makes me depressed. I've been "walking at home", it's great. For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about here's a link that explains about the videos. http://www.lesliesansone.com/walk/ The DVD is very easy, simple and straight forward. It gets me moving, feeling better and makes me feel less sluggish. So far I've done it four times, each time it gets a bit harder for me, but I'm determined. I would honestly recommend this video work out to anyone! It's easy and you feel so good afterwards. I may be sore right now, but at least I know it's working. I can't wait when I actually start loosing the weight, I will be so proud of myself. After the birth of my son I gained 40 pounds on top of being overweight... It made me feel so ugly and depressed. So I hope I can stick with this video and start shedding some pounds. Once my body gets use to the work out, I'll change my eating habits. My eating habits aren't horrible... but I love carbs... I can't help it haha! So wish me luck everyone on my weight loss journey, I'll be needing it!
♥

Green Eyed Monster

2008-09-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

I’m so envious of all the normal happy people out there... Why can’t we all just wake up, be happy and live?? Why must some of us have to rely on pills to level us out?? It maddens me… Well not so much maddens me then makes me jealous haha! I look around and see numerous people without a care in the world, especially my friends. I envy them to be honest... Deep down inside I want to be care free and not worry about anything. I just wish sometimes they cared enough about me, it seems lately they just don't want to bother. I enjoy being there for them when the going gets tough, I want them to open and talk to me... but it would be nice if they cared enough to ask me how I'm doing, and not always talk about them. They never seem to want to hear about my problems, fears, dreams etc., it's always about themselves. I'm always last in line because I have a child and can't go out and party and have "fun". Not many of my friends and family understand where I’m coming from, it’s such a relief to find people on this site just like me. It makes me feel better about myself and not so crazy. I hope all my blogger friends feel the same way, isn’t it a relief to know you aren’t alone? I think so! I’d like to thank everyone who has stopped by my blog, read and left a comments. It truly means a lot to me. I’m really enjoying blogging, I hope I keep it up. I normally don’t stick to anything, but I can see myself sticking to this!

Time Heals

2008-09-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today I had a great day... I don't say that often enough so I'll say it again... Today I had a great day, YEAH ME! I only had one panic attack throughout the whole day, I'm actually really proud of myself. I'm praying that it's true what they say... Time heals. My family and I spent the day doing various activities in our community. It was a lot of fun, I want to push myself to get out more. It was great to see the outside world instead of staring at these four walls thinking. I think way too much and always end up putting stupid thoughts into my head. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off... I'd really love an off and on switch. (Maybe Santa will get me one for Christmas if I'm a good girl haha!) Hopefully I can keep up with not having anxiety, but it's not under my control. I'm hoping my medication will keep it under control, I would be so thankful if it did.

It's so peaceful right now, I just put my little one to bed and my boyfriend has been sleeping for hours. Him and I aren't getting along too well lately, so the peace is nice. He's never been in a serious relationship before so when it comes to commitment he's clueless. Our relationship happened a bit to quick and we had to grow up fast... I wasn't ready for a huge commitment... but then I found out I was pregnant, oopsie! You can pretty much say since the first time we started dating I was pregnant, but I didn't realise it until a month later. I wouldn't change having my son for the world, but I may change on the time I had my son. I would have preferred to have him years later, but I'm blessed he's in my life. My boyfriend and I don't connect well, I'm not even sure if he's my soul mate. We've been through a lot and I thank him for being by my side... but I'm just not sure if we are meant to be. I guess sooner or later I will find out, I would just rather find out as soon as possible. I don't want my son to go through what I went through growing up.

Getting the hang of it!

2008-09-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

I’m starting to slowly get use to this site. I’ve already found some very interesting people on here. They make me feel not so alone about my illness, I just wish there was something I could do to help them. I don’t understand how some people can be so blessed with life, and others be punished for no reason at all. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone was equal and happy? Maybe one day life will make sense to me… until then I guess I’ll just keep blogging lol!

First Step ♥

2008-09-17T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've been told many times one of the best ways to heal is to let things out. I've finally decided it was time I started a blog, hopefully by having this blog it will help me feel more alive and understand myself more. I'm a very lost individual at the moment, I'm not looking for pity or sympathy... I'm just looking for a way to help myself heal. I've decided to keep this blog from my friends and loved ones. I want to be anonymous and not be judged by people I know and care about. My goal is to become a stronger individual by letting my true feelings out, it's about time I opened up.

I've been on antidepressants since I was a teenager. It may numb the pain and horrible thoughts that pop into my brain, but it doesn't fully cover up everything. I've been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) depression, anxiety and ADD (Attention-Deficit Disorder) I hate that I'm labelled, but I have to deal with it. I just wish I didn't have to depend on medication to balance me out. I want to live my life without being in a hazy fog all the time. The medication I'm taking is starting to overpower me... I feel it's taking over my soul. Deep down inside I know my real self is there, but with all the meds I've been on over the years I'm not sure who me is. I took myself off the medication I've been taking for years months ago, but that was horrible idea. I had a major melt down and am still not back on track. My body is here, but my mental thinking isn't. One minute I feel alive, and the next I'm in a dream land or thinking I need to make myself breathe. I've developed a new obsession that I wish I didn't have. I feel I have to make myself breathe in order to live... Almost every minute of everyday I'm concenntrating on breathing. I can't do anything without feeling this way. I'm hoping this obesssiong will fade.

I'll write more later when I have time.
I hope this helps me, who knows...
Maybe I'll even make a few friends on here.